Writing Sample

As I am moving in about three weeks, I have been sorting boxes and boxes of STUFF that I have accumulated over my 24 years thus far. Today, I encountered a box full of what seemed to be every single page of notes and assignments from my entire undergraduate career.

One of those papers was a writing assignment from an English class in fiction writing. It is labeled as the "humor paper," and I remember (after reading this paper) that I had recently read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett for the first time when I wrote this.

Also, I feel like this is important to mention... This happened. I received this assignment shortly before my boyfriend agreed to DM for two of my friends who had never played D&D before. I saw the opportunity for what it was and took notes while "playing" as Flossy the fairy.

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D&D: Dungeons & Dragons or Dumb & Dumber?

Cast of characters:

          Peter, the Dungeon Master and only experienced D&D player here

          Joy, inexperienced D&D player

          Michael, inexperienced D&D player

          Lynne, innocent bystander who was persuaded to play against her will

~ The Naming of Characters ~

Peter: "Okay, here are your character sheets. You fill them out with -"

Joy: "Ooh, what are these?"

Peter: "...Your character sheets. Fill them out."

Joy: "How?"

Peter: "Well, you see where it says "name"? Write a name."

Joy: "What name?"

Peter: "Make up a name. For your character. Your character's name. You make it up."

Michael: "Like what?"

Peter: "Whatever you want your character's name to be."

Joy: "Mine is going to be Hoolikai!"

Michael: "What kind of name is Hoolikai?"

Hoolikai, formerly Joy: (indignantly) "My character's name. I think it's pretty."

Peter: "Okay, you're Hoolikai. What are you, Michael?"

Michael: "Um..."

Lynne: (looking up from the book she is reading) "You should be Cauchemar."

Michael: "Cauchemar? What is that supposed to be?"

Lynne: "It means 'nightmare' in French. It's threatening or intimidating or something. I don't know."

Hoolikai: "It sounds like a flavor of ice cream! 'Two pints of Cauchemar, please!'"

Michael: "Yeah I guess that's kinda cool. 'Cauchemar.' Yeah."

Peter: "Then write it at the top of your character sheet."

Michael: "Where?"

Peter: (sighs heavily) "Where it says 'name.'"

Hoolikai: "Wait, I don't want to be Hoolikai! I want to be... something better and scarier than 'nightmare' but the French word for it!"

Something-Better-and-Scarier-than-'Nightmare'-But-the-French-Word-for-It, formerly Hoolikai, actually Joy: "Lynne, what's something cooler than 'kohsh-marr' in French?"

Lynne: "Um... I always though 'fenetre' was a pretty French word. Or 'pamplemousse.' Or maybe 'papillon'?"

Something-Better-and-Scarier-than-'Nightmare'-But-the-French-Word-for-It: "I like 'pamplemousse'" What does it mean?"

Lynne: "Grapefruit."

Peter: "Okay, Cauchemar and Pamplemousse. Nightmare and Grapefruit."

Pamplemousse, which means Grapefruit, formerly Something-Better-and-Scarier-Than-'Nightmare'-But-the-French-Word-for-It, formerly Hoolikai, formerly Joy: "Lynne, you should play too!"

Lynne: (with a sympathetic look at Peter, who just wants to get on with it) "Fine. I'm Flossy the fairy. Rub a lamp or something and I'll tell you want to do."

~ Choosing Race ~

Peter: "So now that you have names, choose your races."

Cauchemar: "Um... Caucasian?"

Pamplemousse: "I want to be Chinese!"

Peter: "No, race is like... elf, half-elf, orc, dwarf, giant, etc."

Cauchemar: "Oh... does it matter?"

Peter: "Not really. Some races are better at different skills. Like a giant is stronger than an elf."

Pamplemousse: "And a dwarf is better at looking up girls' skirts!"

Cauchemar: "Yes, because we will often have a need for someone with that skill on this adventure. 'Oh brave warriors, find the ancient scrolls upon which are inscribed the holy rites of our people.' 'Okay, ancient monk guy, any idea where we can find these scrolls?' 'Check the skirts of all the womenfolk in the town of Frishinton!' 'Oh if only we had a dwarf in our party... woe is us.'"

Pamplemousse: "Exactly! I'm gonna be a dwarf."

Peter: (rubbing his temples) "Okay, write it down. Michael, what are you?"

Cauchemar: "Um. Elf?"

Peter: "Okay, now you have to decide your skills. Roll the d20..."

Pamplemousse: "What's a d20?"

~ A Note About Dice ~

Peter: "A d20 is a 20-sided die."

Pamplemousse: "This one?" (holds up a 6-sided die)

Peter: "No, that has six sides."

Pamplemousse: "This one?" (holds up a 10-sided die)

Peter: "Does it have 20 sides?"

Pamplemousse: "How do I tell?"

Peter: "You... count them..."

~ The Assigning of Abilities and Skills ~

Cauchemar: "What are these blanks for?"
Peter: "Oh, you can add extra abilities, but as the Dungeon Master, I have to approve them. Like, you can't have something like Instantly-Kill-Anyone-Around-Me-But-Only-My-Enemies-Not-The-Good-Guys. But you can have something like Accuracy to improve your chances with a bow and arrow."

Pamplemousse: "Can I be really good at cooking? We have to eat on our journey, right? And good food improves morale!"

Peter: "Being nourished is all kind of... implied. You don't really have to eat anything. Unless you need an antidote to poison or something."

Pamplemousse: "That's not realistic! You have to-"

Cauchemar: "Realistic? This is Dungeons & Dragons, not a documentary. When we fight a giant land squid, are you really going to question how 'realistic' it is that we would even find a giant land squid? Besides, if you want realistic, you can't be good at cooking."

Pamplemousse: "Fine. I want the ability to Kick-Cauchemar-In-the-Face-Really-Hard."

Peter: "Approved! Moving on."

~ Items ~

Peter: "I know I'm going to regret this... but you get to choose two items to have with you, besides your weapons. Which, by the way, are a club for Pamplemousse the dwarf, and a bow and arrows for Cauchemar the elf. And like your abilities, I have to approve your extra items. You can't have a dragon-seeking bomb or something."

Pamplemousse: "I want to bring a Pomeranian puppy! Because they're fluffy. I would name it Tofu."

Cauchemar: "Can I bring a straightjacket to restrain Pamplemousse?"

Peter: "No to the puppy; yes to the straightjacket."

Pamplemousse: "No puppy?"

Peter: "Okay, fine, you can have the puppy."

Pamplemousse: "Yay!" (pets an imaginary puppy) "For my other item, I want..." (looks around the room) "Oooh, Moon Pies!"

Cauchemar: "Ooh, yum, Moon Pies. I want those too!"

Peter: "Like... the snack food? Did you catch the part about not having to eat? Oh never mind. Let's just do this."

Lynne: (laughs quietly and eats a Moon Pie)

~ Setting Out... Finally ~

Dungeon Master, hereafter referred to as DM because the typist isn't getting paid enough for this, formerly Peter: "Okay, so you're in your hometown. And you're in the local tavern."

Cauchemar: "Which die do I roll to order a beer?"

Pamplemousse: "Which die do I roll to flirt with the bartender?"

DM: "It's a bar-wench. And she doesn't have any beer. No dice yet. Anyway. A road-weary traveler approaches you-"

Pamplemousse: "I want to attack him! With my club!"

DM: "No you don't. He gives you a map, and tells you that you have to follow it to save your town from certain peril."

Cauchemar: "Why would he give it to us? We're strangers at a bar."

DM: "Well, if you don't take the map, the entire campaign will be watching Pamplemousse drink at the tavern and flirt with a bar-wench. Do you take the map or not?"

Cauchemar: "Yes!"

Pamplemousse: "No!"

DM: "You take the map and head out of town."

~ After some traveling... ~

DM: "You see a big rock in the middle of the path through the forest. What do you want to do?"

Pamplemousse: "Hit it with a stick!"

Cauchemar: "Everything we have encountered for the past thirty minutes you have tried to hit with a stick. You hit the river with a stick. You hit a bird with a stick. You hit a beggar on the side of the road with a stick. You hit Tofu the Pomeranian with a stick. You hit ME with a stick!"

Pamplemousse: "Yeah, but a big rock won't complain as much as you did."

Cauchemar: "Fine, hit it with a stick. Once she does that, I want to turn it over and see if there's anything under it. Like gold."

Pamplemousse: "Who would hide their gold under a rock in the middle of the road? Oh and I hit the rock with a stick."

DM: "Okay, you turn over the rock. After Pamplemousse finished hitting it with a stick. Which, by the way, did nothing. Except break your stick. Like the rock we encountered just outside the town broke your club."

Pamplemousse: "Aw, now I have to find another stick."

Cauchemar: "What's under the rock?"

DM: "Nothing."

Cauchemar: "Um, okay. What do we do next?"

Pamplemousse: "Hit something else with a stick!"

Cauchemar: "Your stick broke."

Pamplemousse: "Yeah, into two littler sticks!"

~ After more traveling... ~

DM: "You see the castle from the map in the distance, so you know you're going in the right direction. Dusk has fallen, and you see a campfire to your right, among the trees. And I would not recommend hitting it with a stick."

Pamplemousse: "We should call Smokey the Bear! Only he can prevent forest fires!"

Cauchemar: "No, we should go sneak up behind whoever made the fire, because it's probably those goblins that attacked us a while ago."

Pamplemousse: "If it is them, shouldn't we get far away? We had to buy, like, ten potions to revive you after they attacked us!"

Cauchemar: "Well maybe this time, if a fight starts, you could attack them instead of me!"

Pamplemousse: "Touche..."

~ After traveling further, bickering, and hitting more things with sticks... ~

DM: (wondering why he agreed to DM for these people) "Ok. Um. There's something in the road in front of you."

Cauchemar: "I want to inspect it BEFORE somebody else hits it with a stick."

Pamplemousse: "Aww."

DM: "You can't tell what it is. It's about yay-high -" (holds out his hand) "...and it's dark and kind of round."

Cauchemar: "Um... okay. Let's ask Flossy the fairy what to do!"

Flossy, also known as Lynne: "Let Joy hit it with a stick."

Pamplemousse: "Hooray! Okay, I hit it with a stick."

DM: "It cracks open, a baby dragon hatches out of it and eats you both. You're both dead beyond healing or revival. Finally, we're done. Go home."

Lye Berries

When I was little, I thought that there was such a thing as the lye berry. I had heard of lye soap, and I knew that lots of modern soaps were scented with flowers and berries, so it was perfectly natural to me that lye soap was made using lye berries.

If you aren't familiar with lye, it's a caustic chemical that, as far as I can gather, is somehow leached from ashes. It's really harsh on skin. Undiluted, it can cause some really nasty burns. Lye is not a plant, and has no berries.

So where had I heard of lye berries? People who can't properly pronounce "libraries."

Bonus note: Don't become a librarian (or anything related to libraries) if that mispronunciation irks you. Trust me.

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